It's been a long time, and I've been riding a bit of an emotional roller coaster, alhumdullilah. I now have three private students, all women, at a pharmacutical company, alhumdullilah, so the worry about work has decreased markedly, but I feel the stress of teaching and the grind.
Okay, I'll be honest. I don't love teaching. I like it, I do. But I'm not in love with it.
And now I'm having Fajr issues. Alhumdullilah, it's not that I can't get up for Fajr, it's that I can't get back to sleep after it. Okay, this is good for me somehow, but I just don't feel comfortable delaying my Fajr until really, really late in the time - so I try to get up just before the beginning and make tajahud - and after I do that, get my kids up to pee, make salat with Asmaa - I'm AWAKE.
I tried to go back to bed, tried to sleep, but my brain was just thinking: "What do I need to do? What problems am I having with my kids? What do I need to fix in my life?" I attempted to short circuit this spiral of useless contemplation by writing down everything I needed to accomplish at work, and that didn't help. I was still awake - plus hungry. This is not conducive for sleep. And, the very frustrating part is that now, after I've been up, made salat, had something to eat, am cooking chickpeas for lunch and am finishing my breakfast I'm very sleepy and know that I could easily lay back in bed and sleep.
La hawla wa la quwatta illa billah.
The positive aspect of this, however, is that I'm able to download those two yoga videos I've been wanting, alhumdullilah.
This is one good thing I've been doing for myself.
I feel this is part of my problem: I'm not accomplishing what I need to - not in terms of my children, and not personally. I need to get better in so many, many ways.
Some personal things I need to work on:
- Work more regularly on mastering reading Arabic out loud and learning grammar and vocabulary, inshaAllah. This is ibadah and I need to make it a priority. My becoming better in Arabic will, in the long run, help my children because I will be able to assist them with their homework and help with Qur'an AND it's important for me and Qur'an. It is, perhaps, the key to Jennah, and Allahu allem.
- Do homeschooling with my kids every day. Even if I'm really tired. This is a hard, hard thing for me to do. Ya, Rabb! Help me accomplish this. Ameen!
- Learn French. I need to communicate. Right now.
- Make art again. I've abandoned my art and it hurts.
- Not stop doing yoga, and, instead, do more and get even better at it. Rescue my body before it's too late.
- Eat better. Less white starches, more vegetables, inshaAllah.
- Adjust my attitude. Stop wanting what I don't have and can't get. Focus on the bounties I have been given and accentuate the positive.
Okay, that should do for awhile, inshaAllah. How can anyone, anywhere, ever complain of being bored?